Alien Abduction Questionnaire

Worry no more about Alzheimer's disease or mental instability. Embrace instead the thrilling possibilities of alien abduction. Follow this easy checklist and find that everyone you know--including Aunt Fern--may be an abductee!

(Cousin Kate's Checklist Decoder: Obviously lots of Yes replies indicate you are a likely abductee; lots of No answers mean that no, you are not invited to the Alien Ball on Sirius Nine. I'm not sure what NS means, but I suspect it stands for NonSense.)

1. Missing time where you can't remember why? Yes No NS (not sure)
2. More than one episode of missing time? Yes No NS
3. Anxiety or agitation over time lapses? Yes No NS
4. Popping sound either waking up, going to sleep? Yes No NS
5. Dreams of aliens, flying, or spaceships? Yes No NS
6. Dreams of being chased by animals? Yes No NS
7. Disaster dreams of earth changes, quakes, floods? Yes No NS
8. Memories that do not seem like they really happened? Yes No NS
9. Waking up to a loud noise, not getting up to investigate? Yes No NS
10. Other sounds either waking up, going to sleep? Yes No NS
11. Have you ever had a psychic experience? Yes No NS
12. Sore muscles without exercise or strain when waking up? Yes No NS
13. Feel like you are being watched at night frequently? Yes No NS
14. Dreams of being with aliens on their spacecraft? Yes No NS
15. Difficulty in seeing or reading UFO related material? Yes No NS
16. Uncomfortable with discussing the UFO subject? Yes No NS
17. Do you feel you have psychic or ESP ability? Yes No NS
18. Ever see ghosts or experience other paranormal activity? Yes No NS
19. See streetlights burn out often or have other electrical anomalies? Yes No NS
20. Hear a very high pitched noise in one or both ears? Yes No NS Both
21. Women: Frequent female problems? Yes No Pass I am a man
22. Men and Women: Urinary tract infections? Yes No
23. Men: Any problems with low sperm count? Yes No Pass I am a woman
24. Any scars, marks without remembering its cause? Yes No NS
25. Wake up frequently during the same time at night? Yes No NS
26. Do you have sleep disorders? Insomnia? Yes No NS
27. Abnormal fear of the dark? Yes No NS
28.Has the alien being Verge from the Cronos Galaxy been communicating with you? Yes No NS
29.Have you had a past problem with drugs, or alcohol? Yes No NS
30. Did the problem get worse after abductions started? Yes No NS
31. If drug or alcohol use changed significantly